Cats and babies. HELP!

I don't know about you, but I don't think it's safe for a pregnant chick to run around the house, screaming at a cat, and getting herself all worked up into a sweaty, breathless mess. However, for me, this is a weekly routine.
 My cats are jerks. Plain and simple. I have to keep the nursery closed up at all times because my cats are obsessed with that room. Baxter likes to sleep in Michelle's crib. Zooey likes to steal her toy/clothes/small objects and chew them up and hide them throughout the house.

Call me crazy, but I think it's ridiculous to tiptoe around animals. Every website I've researched either employs two philosophies. The first is from cat-advice websites. They suggest I buy a throne and crown, and bow down to my evil cat; regardless of his actions. But honestly, they suggest I jump through hoops to keep doors closed (I don't want to! The paint smell still hasn't gone away and we painted months ago! It needs air!), put foil on everything, buy my cats new expensive toys (why? They like to steal my cheap stuff anyways..), and make sure my baby knows that the cats are boss. Um no. I'm boss. I'm the queen ruler of this house, and no one dictates my life. So that option is scratched.

Option two is the advice I get from baby-advice websites. Half the people say similar things, like getting nets to put over cribs, or foil in bassinets. But, then half of the people say toss the cat out on his ass or re-home. Yeah, that's not an option either. I don't know about other pet owners, but I love my animals (despite their desire to be evil dicks) and I took on a commitment to care for them. Putting them outside isn't an option either, as we live across from a big field. Our neighbors warned us against letting small pets outside for too long, as coyotes are a problem? Um, scary! To re-home Baxter would kill him. I'm not exaggerating; Baxter would have to be put to sleep if we brought him to a shelter. He can't even go to the vet without the vet and vet-techs all crying and begging for us to come rescue them. He ONLY likes Michael and me. So, I'd literally be killing him if I re-homed him. Zooey could be re-homed, but my cats are so attached to each other and I couldn't stand the depression it would cause. It's annoying, really.

So, what are my options? Put up with their bulls**t, scream at them on a weekly basis like a banshee, and get my heart rate up by chasing them around with a knife? Or rip my heart out of my chest and become a meat-eating animal hater who would put two cats out in the cold? Hey, I'm pregnant, I'm allowed to be dramatic.

HELP!
I need sound, solid advice. Should I set up booby traps? Should I put tacks in a sheet and lay it in the crib? Should I set up a motion-detecting robot that will shoot lasers at them when they come in contact with baby stuff? :(