Headache

On Friday my doctor told me that if I don't have the baby before my due date that we're inducing labor on Thursday. Thursday is my due date, so that's cool...? No.
She's also trying to push me to have an epidural because pain causes BP to rise and she said I will be in too much pain to handle it. No. None of these things are okay. This is the worst thing that we imagined happening for the birth of our daughter. I wanted a un-medicated, naturally occurring birth. My doctor is being overly cautious because my BP is borderline high. It's not in a danger zone. It's just on the cusp between normal/high. I'm happy she is thinking in a preventative way, but I don't want it to be at the expense of my wishes. People just won't HEAR what I am saying. My wishes don't seem to matter.

To make matters much shittier, my mom is mad at me because I'm tired of people getting on my ass about having Michelle. Babies come when they come. But apparently I'm being lazy by not doing anything to speed up the process. There is NOTHING I can do to make my cervix dilate. Nothing. Sex will help ripen my cervix, but it won't open it. Walking will give me contractions, but if I sit down and they go away, then it's NOT labor, it's Braxton Hicks. My mom got pissed because I said there is nothing I can do, and she basically told me it will be my own fault if I'm stuck with induction and strapped to a bed. Nice. Now she is ignoring me because I said that was horrible and told her how I feel. My mom doesn't like to hear how I feel. She likes to say how SHE feels, then blocks everything out because she said her piece and that's all that matters to her. I don't think it's fair to do this to me days before my kid is due. This time is about me and Michael and our kid. I don't think I'll ever forget this. Ever. What should I do if I go into labor now? Call her up and have her be "blah" about it? Have people come in the room and watch me birth like a fucking zoo animal? What help is she going to be? She won't even text me back, so what's the point?

Sorry I'm not 16 and having a kid, so people can boss me around. I'm 25, very well educated, and informed about this step in my life. I don't need help. I don't need guidance. When I need those things, I am mature enough to ask for them. However, I'm apparently useless.

All I did yesterday was cry. And today is already starting off horribly. I don't want to bring my kid into the world while I'm feeling sad and upset. It's fucked up that I can't enjoy this.

Popo stuff, butt stuff, and whatevs

Man oh man.
So, after Wednesday I was pretty shaken up. We had a follow up appointment on Friday with the doctor to make sure my BP was going down. It didn't really change. So my doc decided to do a cervix check to see how close I was to delivery - in case I was ready enough to induce labor.
Ok. Why hasn't anyone warned me about this horrid torture?! After my body was ripped and torn apart by one touch, we found out I was 1-2 cm and 40% effaced. Doc said to expect Misha sometime this week, and since yesterday I've been losing my mucus plug/bloody show. I've also been having really low cramps, and the pain is coming from the same area that hurt when I got my cervix checked. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see if I'm dilating. I really hope I am! My due date is the Thursday after this next one, so it's not too early.

Michael has been the BEST. He is so supportive of me, and has been an advocate when I feel like I can't speak up. Michael. He is fucking the best. He has been taking care of me like crazy. I can't imagine going through this without him. He's just awesome. We joked and laughed through our Baby Care class, he gets up close and personal with my hoohah and my booty ( I was worried I found a bump and that it was a hemroid..it wasn't. Haha. It didn't hurt or anything, just me bending weird when I was showering my ass and the skin bunched weird. Michael thought I was cute...I thought I was being disgusting. Haha), and he puts up with my CRAZY hormone fluctuations. One second I'm crying, the next I'm screaming, then I'm horny and need sex asap. Michael, he just goes with the flow. Awesome guy. <3

Ok, hopefully I'll have another blog tomorrow, or a baby..who knows!

Venting blog, if you're offended then don't read it.

This is going to be a grouchy post. So feel free to bail on this one.

Yesterday I had my 38 week appointment and it didn't go very well. Apparently my blood pressure was through the roof and the doctor started freaking out about preeclampsia and saying that I had to go to labor and delivery to get checked out. She was really sure that I would have to be induced. I was freaking out. It was especially scary because we didn't have anything - our hospital bag is in my car (we took Michael's to the appointment), and we haven't turned in our birth plan.
After going to L&D I was hooked up to a cuff and told to stay in bed for an hour while my blood work got examined and my blood pressure was taken every 15 minutes. It went down very quickly, and my blood work was great. Doctor thinks I am too stressed and that I am pushing myself too hard with school and life. She kinda doesn't want me to return to school, but my follow up appointment is on Friday, so I'm going to class for sure on Thursday.

"How are you feeling, Jess?"
"How's life/school/the pregnancy?"
"Do YOU want to vent for once instead of listening to my problems?"

No, I don't hear any of that. It's going to be frustrating when I hear "How's the baby?" "Can we come by and see her?" "Wanna hang out?". Really? You want to hang out now that I have a cute baby? No. I don't want to visit. No, you won't get an update. I'll be too busy spending time with MY kid to update you. Come to think of it, I'm thinking of not updating a LOT of people about my labor and the baby. Maybe I'll ask my sister to make the twitter account an invite-only one, if some people think it's dumb. Maybe I'll tell the nurses not to announce any info unless the room is cleared and that phones are banned in my delivery room so that NO ONE gets updated from anyone. yeah, maybe I'll do that.

Ugh, I felt rude just typing that. It was rude. I just need to vent. And since I only have this blog as a 100% venting tool, this is where it is.
Blah.

Thinking out loud.

I was just thinking about how stressed I've been. I've been crying a lot, and have been in some stupid arguments lately, and I really hope the baby is ok. Can she feel my sadness? Can she feel when I'm happy, stressed, or anxious? For her sake, I hope not. I hope she's just floating in a cozy bed, blowing bubbles, and growing strong. Then again, I can be quite naive.

I am so happy I can bring her into this world. We all grow up in families, but this one is special because I'm making it all on my own. Michael and I are building this family just for us, and I hope my little girl always feels loved, special, and valued in our family. When I think of the baby, I feel happiness, love, and awe...I don't want any of her things (her room, her clothes, her toys) being associated with bad things like crying or yelling. When I do things just for Michelle, I want to be in a good state of mind with love in my heart. I don't want to buy something while I'm grouchy, or decorate her special room with any sadness in my heart. This is her domain, her special place to dream, and play, and be an innocent child. I don't want any bad energy hanging around.

You know, people who fight a lot will always fight a lot. If a person, or group of people, are always sad, stressed, and angry, they will always be that way. There is no changing anyone but yourself. I don't want my kid being around anyone when they are acting that way. I can't control what they do and when they do it, so I need to think long and hard about who I want coming around this bundle of joy. People become mean; they aren't born mean. I don't want any negative influences on Michelle; I want her to stay innocent and happy. But I guess all parents want that for their children.